Another day has come and gone. Tonight I have been thinking about some things that happened today. Bear with me while I try to form a clear thought at 4 am.
After a long night of graveyard shift, I managed to sneak in two hours of sleep before church. The meeting was lovely. I always love testimony meetings. Today was rough though. I was an emotional mess. Maybe because of sleep deprivation, or maybe it was the baby blessing. I struggle with these since the loss of my baby girl. I think to myself, man, that could have been us. And I weep. My soul aches to hold my baby girl in my arms. I feel sorry for myself. I hate that I have these feelings. I really am trying to find a healthy way to deal with it, but I admit, I struggle.
We taught primary today and that was fun. It was good to get to know some of the kids in our ward. I appreciate their spirits and their willingness to open up their hearts and learn. One of the boys today asked to say the opening prayer. Then he told me he didn't know how to pray. So I helped him. What a blessing to be able to help teach a child to pray. I am so thankful that my kids are living in a home where we pray as a family. I want them to have that ability to be able to ask Heavenly Father for the things they need, as well as be able to thank Him for all they are blessed with.
We picked up the kids from "moms" house tonight after weekend visitation. On the way home, our 5 year old asked why mom and dad don't live together anymore. I make it a rule that I do not lie to my children, now keep in mind, I understand that there are things kids don't need to know, but I refuse to lie to them. Well, I found myself telling him that sometimes people just don't love each other anymore. You should have seen the look in his eyes. It broke my heart. He could not wrap his mind around the logic behind someone falling out of love. I said more, and I think I handled it fairly well, but at the same time I thought to myself the things I would like to say to him. Actually, the things I would like to say to them all.
Sometimes parents fall out of love. Why does it happen? Well, sometimes is betrayal, Sometimes it is pain. Other times they find that the life they thought they wanted just wasn't what they thought it would be and they move on. Sometimes people change. People lie and cheat. Mistakes are made and hearts get broken. This is life. I now have a family that is the sum of three failed relationships. Three times, couples made the choice to move on to find their happiness instead of trying to make it work. Do I like to think about this? No way. The thought of broken homes and confused kids breaks my heart, but on the same note, I am so thankful for disappointment and broken hearts. It brought him and his children to me and my daughter, and somehow we loved each other enough to take our broken pieces and put them together to form the most beautifully broken family you will find.
Now to prepare myself for another tough one: my daughters dad and step-mom are going to be separating and most likely divorcing. My heart breaks for my baby girl. I hope she doesn't feel that she has to choose a side or pick a favorite. I want her to know that they both love her, and even more so, that my husband and I love her and are here for her during this tough time. I have no idea when this will all go down, but step-mom has talked to me a bit about it so I know it will be happening soon.
This is my thankful post for today. I am thankful for the good and the bad that lead me to where I am today, and I hope to be able to continue to make progress towards being a better mother, wife, and daughter of God.
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