A fresh new year

I hate new years resolutions. It seems like a waste to get all hyped up for change, knowing the odds of failure are stacked against you. I wish I were better at making changes and keeping commitments that I take on. I would love to do so many things, yet there is only so much you can do and not go insane.

Instead of making declarations of change, I am going to simply list the things I will do better this year. I don't plan on accomplishing any of these 100%, but if I work on each just a little bit, I can establish some patterns that may eventually lead to change. 

1. I want to blog more. 

I need to write my thoughts down more often. It is nice to be able to look back and see blessings and moments that I have forgotten. It doesn't need to be daily, maybe just weekly or on special occasions. 

2. Temple attendance. 

Probably the hardest. My schedule makes church attendance difficult, and my lack of budgeting and money make tithing hard to pay. I need to work on all of that.

3. Be a better mom to my kids. 

Blending families is hard. I will never be "mom" to three of the kids. If there was one thing I could change in this life, it would be to have been able to find Jon sooner and be the biological mom to all of our kids. Life would be so much easier. I can't change that, so I need to change me. 

4. Better budgeting. 

I hate living paycheck to paycheck, so we need to cut out somewhere. I plan to sit down and make a list of what we need to downsize and what we can do to be more comfortable.

5. Exercise more. 

With a baby on the way, you realize how out of shape you are. Walking up stairs gets me winded right now, and I really haven't gained any weight. I plan on once my little Mack gets here, I will use the stroller and take more walks. It is a good place to start and we all could use a bit of fresh air. 

6. Stay on top of laundry. 

I hate laundry. I have a bad habit of getting it as far as the dryer and then forgetting it until I need it. I think maybe having one laundry day a week would be better, that way I can go from start to finish without forgetting.

7. Be a better wife. 

I expect so much from my husband, and yet I give so little. I want to be more in tune with his needs. I need to say I am sorry more. I need to slow down and not react when something upsets me. I need to talk about things and not bottle them up. I know he is as stressed as I am, and I need to be more open with him so he will open up to me. 

8. Finish up our court dealings.

I am tired of court. I am tired of fighting and the expense. This year we need to wrap this crap up. Custody orders need to be in place, finally, and we need to get on the ball about getting child support. She has had 2 years to get it together and it is time to start paying.

9. Kick the soda. 

Well, at least cut down . I work graveyards and staying awake all night is brutal. I don't have a lot of options to help me stay awake, as most quiet activities make me sleepy... so I drink soda. SO BAD. I will do better this year.

10. Personal and family prayers, along with church attendance. 

I think I finally got my schedule figured out. There is no reason to skip church anymore. I need my kids to know how important the gospel is in our lives and get therm back in the habit of attending. We will bless a baby this year, and hopefully baptize a little girl. I pray the Lord will have a hand in making this a reality for her. 

Our family does well at praying at the dinner table, but we need to do better about praying as a family for our needs and blessings. 

Well, it is 3 am and I am exhausted. I hope all this made sense. Here is to a better year and doing a little bit better every day...

Life can be hard, but I am still thankful.

Today was a rough one.

Every once in a while the darkness seems to encompasses me. Today was that day. I spent way too much time dwelling on the things that I have absolutely no control over and playing the 'why me' game. I get so frustrated with the circumstances, and I am trying so hard to stay positive and not let my feelings get in the way of important things.

I get angry that my days off are spent cleaning house and running errands. I am frustrated that my bank account is basically used to transfer money from the bank to creditors. I am frustrated that I can't buy my kids fun things and take them on vacations and spoil them like I want to. I hate that I have to work all the time to keep our heads above water. But even more, I hate that I let this stuff bother me.

But tomorrow is another day, so I will just have to try again.

Now to get on with being thankful.

Night shifts are difficult for me. I don't sleep well and I drink WAY too much soda to stay awake. Well, the result of that is swollen feet and ankles for me. Yesterday I had "cabbage patch feet" and after taking a long bath, my sweet husband rubbed my feet for me. Seems like a simple thing, but I consider that such a kind gesture and act of love. I am thankful for the fact that he even offered, and even more so that he followed through.

I am thankful for a restful nights sleep. Last night I slept SO GOOD! It was the first night in months that I woke up feeling refreshed and like I had enough sleep. I know it was because I wasn't sleeping alone. It is amazing how safe and comfortable you are when you are sleeping next to someone who loves you.

That brings me to my next thought: Starting next week I won't be doing full time graveyards any more. I will be going back to day shift with a possibility of one night a week (just PRN work to make some extra money so we can get on top of things.)

One more thing to be thankful for: kids that ask for goodnight hugs and kisses. It is starting to be a more frequent request and I am thankful for that. In the last two years of struggling to take over for an absent parent, I was afraid they would never accept me as their mom. I know that I am not biologically their mother, but I am more of a mother to those kids than she has ever been. And I think they are finally old enough to see the difference in how a family is supposed to be.

On to another day and more to be thankful for.

Teaching my children

Another day has come and gone. Tonight I have been thinking about some things that happened today. Bear with me while I try to form a clear thought at 4 am. 

After a long night of graveyard shift, I managed to sneak in two hours of sleep before church. The meeting was lovely. I always love testimony meetings. Today was rough though. I was an emotional mess. Maybe because of sleep deprivation, or maybe it was the baby blessing. I struggle with these since the loss of my baby girl. I think to myself, man, that could have been us. And I weep. My soul aches to hold my baby girl in my arms. I feel sorry for myself. I hate that I have these feelings. I really am trying to find a healthy way to deal with it, but I admit, I struggle. 

We taught primary today and that was fun. It was good to get to know some of the kids in our ward. I appreciate their spirits and their willingness to open up their hearts and learn. One of the boys today asked to say the opening prayer. Then he told me he didn't know how to pray. So I helped him. What a blessing to be able to help teach a child to pray. I am so thankful that my kids are living in a home where we pray as a family. I want them to have that ability to be able to ask Heavenly Father for the things they need, as well as be able to thank Him for all they are blessed with. 

We picked up the kids from "moms" house tonight after weekend visitation. On the way home, our 5 year old asked why mom and dad don't live together anymore. I make it a rule that I do not lie to my children, now keep in mind, I understand that there are things kids don't need to know, but I refuse to lie to them. Well, I found myself telling him that sometimes people just don't love each other anymore. You should have seen the look in his eyes. It broke my heart. He could not wrap his mind around the logic behind someone falling out of love. I said more, and I think I handled it fairly well, but at the same time I thought to myself the things I would like to say to him. Actually, the things I would like to say to them all. 

Sometimes parents fall out of love. Why does it happen? Well, sometimes is betrayal, Sometimes it is pain. Other times they find that the life they thought they wanted just wasn't what they thought it would be and they move on. Sometimes people change. People lie and cheat. Mistakes are made and hearts get broken. This is life. I now have a family that is the sum of three failed relationships. Three times, couples made the choice to move on to find their happiness instead of trying to make it work. Do I like to think about this? No way. The thought of broken homes and confused kids breaks my heart, but on the same note, I am so thankful for disappointment and broken hearts. It brought him and his children to me and my daughter, and somehow we loved each other enough to take our broken pieces and put them together to form the most beautifully broken family you will find. 

Now to prepare myself for another tough one: my daughters dad and step-mom are going to be separating and most likely divorcing. My heart breaks for my baby girl. I hope she doesn't feel that she has to choose a side or pick a favorite. I want her to know that they both love her, and even more so, that my husband and I love her and are here for her during this tough time. I have no idea when this will all go down, but step-mom has talked to me a bit about it so I know it will be happening soon. 

This is my thankful post for today. I am thankful for the good and the bad that lead me to where I am today, and I hope to be able to continue to make progress towards being a better mother, wife, and daughter of God. 

A good day

I have decided that the best way to live a happier and more fulfilled life is to practise being thankful for all the things that I am blessed with. I admit, I am a half full cup kind of girl, but I am at that point where I need to try a bit harder. They say the cup is refillable, and that is more important than whether it is half full or half empty. My attitude needs to improve and I am the only one who can do that. So here we go. What am I thankful for today?

I woke early to go to work. Not always my favorite thing to do on a Saturday, but it was double time and a short shift. I woke up next to my husband who loves me. I have been working graveyards lately, and you notice how differently you sleep in an empty bed. I am thankful he was there when I woke, and for his sleepy smile when he wished me a good day.

I am thankful for the opportunity I had to go on a temple date with my husband. We have really struggled getting to the temple lately. Between the kids, work, and all the other things that get in the way, we have struggled. We went to Provo today and did sealings, and the spirit was so strong there. There were two other couples present, one couple who had been married just 3 weeks and another couple who had been married three months. There was also a single sister there doing family names.

During the sealing, the sealer spoke to us about the ordinances. At one point, he told us about the importance of the sealing of children. He said something like, This ordinance is for the child. It is not determined by the faithfulness of the parents. Dad could take all the money and run off to Vegas and do what he wants, but the power of the sealing makes it so the child still has that blessing, even if the parent is not worthy of it. I found this to be so profound. I had tears in my eyes as I thought about how badly I desire to have my children sealed to me. I know it will come in time, but I want that blessing for them in this lifetime. I know there are hurdles to jump and mountains to climb, but we will get there.

I am thankful for a date with my best friend. Jon and I went out to lunch and had some sushi afterward. It was nice to be back in the place we used to go on dates. But it is different now... I look at him in a different way. I know him. I love him. I do not doubt his love or feelings for me. I remember a time looking across the table from him wondering if he even liked me! Well, now I know better.

I am thankful for my family and friends. A good friend brought his tractor over today with a rake on the back and raked all the rocks off our lot. In two hours he did what would have taken us weeks of Saturdays and backbreaking work. My dad came over to supervise, and was kind enough to pay him for his time. Dad felt that was the best way to help us, as he is not a fan of putting in another lawn and the labor involved. I am so grateful for their hard work and time they gave up to help us tonight.

Tomorrow we get to teach in Primary. I am so thankful for this opportunity, because it reminds me that once in a while we need to step back. We need to humble ourselves and be teachable and learn as children do. I try so hard to understand things sometimes, and find that I overwhelm myself with the details. Sometimes I just need to have faith and believe like a child. That will be my goal for tomorrow.

I am thankful for a good night at work, and for knowing that when I get home tomorrow, all grumpy and tired, my best friend and eternal companion will wrap me in his arms and I will fall into a peaceful sleep knowing he is there.

Late night ramblings...

I am having a rough night. I figure since it is 3:35 am and no one is around, I should blog. I used to be so good about writing my thoughts down on paper and letting stuff just go. It seems that now I have made it a habit if holding it all in and waiting until I explode. Not such a good idea. 

Lets talk about what has me so lit up tonight: 

The ex.
Not mine,
His.

I would say that I hate her, but that won't quite sum up how I feel. Hate is a childish word used by simple minded people. I will come up with a better word when I am not so sleep deprived.

I just spent the last hour reading HER BLOG. A long, drawn out pity party of how my husband ruined her. How she will never love again. How he abused and neglected her to the point that she will never regain any sense of self-esteem. How he lied, manipulated, and tore her soul apart.
Seriously?

I am not comparing myself to her, cause really, why would I want to do that? But come on, people. We have all been hurt. We have all been taken advantage of. 'Most of us' have been neglected, used, and left behind.  That is life. That is why we are who we are. That is what made me strong and resilient. I don't use it as a crutch and neither should you. Stop complaining. 

Now let me tell you why I am so fired up about it. 

My husband and I have been together for two years now. In the past two years, her kids have lived with me. I have taken care of their every need. I have enrolled them in school, dance, wrestling, taken them to the doctor, taken them for haircuts, family vacations and dates, bought clothes, glasses, and even thrown their birthday parties. I have taken sick days to care for them. The exact same thing I do for my own child. I love them. They are MY KIDS. Well, about a year ago she realized that I had taken her place. She saw that the broken pieces of her family that she had tossed aside (for her "something shiny" new boyfriend) had been slowly and meticulously been placed back together. This thing she didn't want to be part of...well, it is better than she ever imagined. The kids are thriving in my home. My husband is a kind, caring and good man. He is tender and thoughtful and kind. We have a new home and a new car and great jobs. Now she wants it back. She will never say it to my face, but we all know. 

Well, miss thing, let me tell you this: I will die before you take my family from me. You think your frivolous lawsuits are going to get you anywhere? Think again. I will fight you to the end. You will not take your past and turn it into my future. You are a lying, cheating, manipulative, selfish cheater and one day you will get what you have coming to you. Karma is a bitch. 

You will not win this battle, nor this war. So take your broken self and get some help. Change your life. Get a new job, get with someone who doesn't cheat on you and use you. Prioritize your time to spend quality time with the kids. Stop lying. Quit trying to buy their affection with toys and McDonald's. Stop trying to manipulate your way into my home. You are not welcome here. 

I hope you find peace. Not because I think you deserve it, but because if you find it then you will leave me the hell alone. One of these days we might be able to get along and I will tolerate your presence. Would I ever be your friend? Hell no. You are a snake in the grass and I will avoid you to keep my family safe. 

Now as I prepare for a day that I never thought I would have to deal with, I say this: No matter the outcome you will not bring us down or tear us apart. Our love will withstand anything you throw at us. Why is that? Well, we built our marriage on LOVE and we have made covenants to each other that you will never understand. I won't abandon my husband because of tough times (especially the ones that come upon us by the havoc that you create). I am better than that. I won't abandon my husband during a trial. I will fight for him, too, because that's what loving someone is all about. 

I am not in a competition with you. I run my own race. I do not desire to try to be better than you. Know this: I will not become a victim to your bitterness, smallness, hate or insecurities. Prepare to fight. You have no clue who you are dealing with.